Friday, May 29, 2009

How Can That Be?

Hands have always been a challenge for me.

Michael Dane Ruling the Crowd

Who is sitting down and won't dance with me? (no volume)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

So Much For My Riches

Done with jury duty at 10 in the morning?  WTF.  The poor leg shaker was called after he asked me for the second time "till five pm?"  LOL!  I didn't even have time to finish reading the new Dickbird posts.

The Law, the Arm, and the Secret of the Gun: My Story Behind the Scenes of the Centuries Biggest Trial

I'm in jury duty right now and am sitting next to a guy singing with his headphones on and another guy who didn't bring any entertainment and is shaking his leg real restless like. Nearby there's that old man who looks like he barely has shit figured out anymore and is staring really hard at the wall. He's one of those old men that doesn't wear polyester but more like the slicked back hair leather jacket wire rim glasses look. You know the one.

The judge told us there won't be any death row cases today. That's a load off.

I read some info online yesterday that talked about how you should get to jury duty early so you can get a good seat next to a plug in for your lap top. I'm looking right at that sweet ass plug in right now.

I also read that we would be shown a video about how bad ass we are for doing our part and how juries basically help democracy run and shit, but instead I think the judge just gave us a speech about it. That bums me out because I heard that video is really funny. The judge did tell us how we should feel lucky because in China, where jury shit is new, 25,000 people are selected randomly and then serve in intervals for five years. That's an injustice. She also mentioned that in Pakistan and India they used to have juries until 1964 when some guy in power thought it was a bad idea to let amateurs make decisions about law. Our judge here completely disagrees saying that a wide swath of experiences is good for jurors. Have I got some stories for her.

A guy at the bar yesterday told me how when he was selected for a jury a few years back the guy was obviously innocent but there was a lady on the jury who kept repeating 'the police wouldn't haven't arrested him if he didn't do something wrong' and that it was really frustrating that nobody could get through to her. He wondered how she slipped through the selection cracks.

I always thought that being on a high profile case might be a good way to get rich; perhaps by writing a book or starring in my own television show afterwards. The process would be long and boring but the money would be all right indeed. The Law, the Arm, and the Secret of the Gun: My Story Behind the Scenes of the Centuries Biggest Trial by Seth Gross.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Bad News, The Good News

A lost scene from the early days of Johnson Named Everything.
What could the story have been?! What a smart looking doctor.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

It's Been Two Years!

I can hardly believe it!

Friday, May 22, 2009

From Such Humble Beginnings

Hundreds of thousands of people have been curious about the early days of my famed comic work Johnson Named Everything. I was browsing through an old packed cd-r today I found something that might quench the thirst of JNE's biggest fans. What I believe maybe the FIRST EVER comic under the banner Johnson Named Everything! Read it and weep from laughter!

Wow!!! As you can see, it contains similar themes as the newer more advanced JNEs, which have updated and mastered drawings, action, plot and dialogue, yet it still has that flash of genius comic effect that keeps us rolling from laughter! What a mean trick the hat wearing character has played. Who would want to drink that! Not only that, but he's giving a thumbs up! And he's standing on the fucking table! What glorious aim he must have! Look at how even the earliest example has the wonderful shock and awe scene in the final frame. Also note the caveman type title banner. Ugh!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Have a Full Glass of Shut the F*ck up!

The great caricature artist Mike Morley!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sea Hag Train

Because sometimes you really have to party.

I Took This Picture For Alex

because he is in to fast cars and tractors

Friday, May 15, 2009

No Stabbing

Apparently they don't like stabbings in Bolinas.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Graphic Designer I'm Going To Hire

I could ramble on about this Eggs For Sale ad for hours but I think a nice resounding WTF would get the same point across. source: Port Orford News

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Not a Tourist

That The Power of Crystals picture where I'm perfectly holding the sun got me thinking about some other Not a Tourist™ images Gina captured. Here's a couple of shots of me saving various structures around the globe.

The Port Orford lighthouse was about to tumble into the sea because of the overwhelming winds. I saved the day!

Look at the perfect contour of my hands! There could have been no better angle! I just saved 1000 ships!

Who built this piece of shit? When we showed up here this building was about to crumble and kill 100 little kids on a field trip. That was close!

Just amazing. Davinci and Galileo never even dreamed this big.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Harris Beach

I've been getting dozens of Twitters asking me where that picture The Power of Crystals came from. It actually came from a really cool place down by Brookings called Harris Beach State Park. There is a super cool beach there as you can see by my stunning pictures, including this insane panorama. The island on the left is Bird Island (a regular joke on our trip was the reenactment of the naming of completely stupid names... 'what should we call this island?' 'I see some birds'") which is Oregon's biggest island! We camped at Harris Beach one night and sat on the beach and read and look at kayak fisherman among the rocks.

We hiked Harris Butte which is this crazy short hike, maybe like 10 minutes tops, that takes you to stunning views up and down the coast. We sat up there for the sunset and drank IPAs and took some pictures. We were up there perhaps an hour and saw one other person for about 60 seconds. We were excitedly jabbering about the beauty of it all and decrying the terrible other campers and boring locals for not being atop Harris Butte with us in celebration of all of nature's splendor. I suppose if you live there though you probably have seen literally thousands of sunsets across the expanse of the Pacific, and you have become such a pud you don't care anymore.
Gina is truly the master at capturing this style of image, where you take advantage of the camera's angle to create an illusion and give the appearance, in this case, of me cradling the setting sun! Ouch! Hot! It's been many long years since she got mad at me in front of the Dinosaur Park tyrannosaurus rex when I told her I thought she had had a photography class. Oops!
In this photo I capture Gina at the crest of Harris Butte and the end of the trail. Shrouded in mystery and windswept pines her silhouette makes us ponder our purpose as humans, and to ask 'what's the point of it all?'. More wine and IPAs!

My Designer Friend's Least Favorite Font

My designer friend Travis always refers to the font Papyrus as a terrible font and an example of a beginner's work. I bet he would hate Hood River where every other business has a sign in Papyrus! I thought this picture deserved a little slice of Papyrus.

My friend Eli who is also a graphic designer scoffed when he saw me using Comic Sans!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Dog Shit Man

I've been overwhelmed from friends asking me to do a post on the famous Southeast character Dog Shit Man. I feel a little awkward about this because although I did help start his nick name Dog Shit Man, he is a real person with a history. In fact, his real name is Watford Reed, he's 1000 years old, his dog is 900 years old, and for years and years he was the religious editor for The Oregonian newspaper. This information I got from a mutual friend Roger. Roger just cracks up when DSM walks by the bar and someone yells out "There's Dog Shit Man everyone!" The entire bar looks and gets excited. Roger just about spits his beer out from laughter! Roger also thinks it's interesting how Watford's last name is Reed and he went to the college called Reed! When I Googled DSM I found a few things like this.

I'm sure many of you must be "man, why is he called DSM?" Well, all great nick names, like all great urban legends and all great rumors, usually do have a grain of truth in them. DSM is so called because as he walks by the bar late at night he is walking his dog and carries a tremendous snow shovel. They travel about 1 mph because they are both so ancient. They barely move! The shovel is fucking massive! On two seperate occasions bartenders at work have seen DSM with a loaded shovel of dog shit make a special delivery into the blue mail box at the corner! Imagine the poor post office guy when he opens the box! Does he do it because he could give a shit, or does he do it because he thinks the eagle on the side means 'garbage'? That is why he is called Dog Shit Man.

On a related note, I considered for awhile posting about the characters that inhabit my immediate neighborhood in St. Johns, but decided not to go to elaborate because I believe at least one of them may have issues beyond their control. Let me just list them by nickname: Slow Walker, Garage Watcher, Sweat Pants Beer Man, Broken Down Van Guy and Speedy Cane. I love the colorful characters that make up the heart and soul of St. Johns! Except Garage watcher because he's so wierd and scares me a bit.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Great and Legendary Saari Farm of Fort Bragg

My friend Joel is partly of Finn decent and like most great Finnish folks he is obsessed with Finnish culture, ("Oh look!" he yells and points. "Another bath house!") history, geography etc. A great region of Finnish settlers is Fort Bragg California. Apparently when some of Joel's relatives moved to the United States they relocated here. In fact, he still has deep and distant family roots here. The Kjeveblahblahblahs and the Saaris are last names prevalent in Fort Bragg that Joel is directly related to, including a dentist according to the local phone book. When the Saaris moved to Fort Bragg many generations ago they bought a farm about a mile from the coast. I had heard the tales of the farm from Joel over the years including when his great uncle moved away when he was very old and Joel went to the farm to help clean and organize the place. He found some cool old pictures from the 70's! Anyway, the family sold the farm to a young couple who intended to raise alpacas, a creature valued for their wool. Joel wasn't sure if that's what happened but he did tell Gina and I where the farm was and we went to investigate The Great and Legendary Saari Farm.

I'm not sure about you but I love looking at something that someone told me about that is distant to where I usually am. It just seems plain exotic. That's the feeling that rushed over me when we followed the directions written on my arm and traveled to the farm. Above is a panorama of the Saari farm, and as you can see it sure as shit is an alpaca hot bed! No shit! I enjoy imagining Joel's quiet and contemplative relatives hoeing the earth, feeding the chickens and cursing the aggressive Russians.

This video with my narration really gives you the feeling of being there. Just imagine the Finns taking in the new world, surroundings, languages, cultures and customs so foreign! Gazing across the great Pacific and imagining the home country only an ocean, a continent and another continent away!