Friday, October 31, 2008

Measuring Tool

We have a house so of course we need a tape measure. I thought I was being funny when I took a sharpie and wrote on the back of it. Gina asked me "What if my Dad wants to borrow that?"

Sweet Fucking Revenge

Last Halloween these motherfuckers threw a rock at our big living room window and busted it. It's double paned so we still had one sheet of glass protecting us from the elements. So there we were for 6 months or so with a busted window. They got our neighbors too. Kids will be kids I guess. In an effort to discourage the little assholes from trick or treating at my house I bought the most bull shit trick or treat candy you can give out: 5 huge pounds of fucking Smarties. No kid wants this crap. That's what you get for costing me $300 and time. Well, as it turns out we did have about a dozen or so trick or treaters this season, and I would say the average age is probably 6 or so and they were mostly with their parents. I doubt any of these little fellas (Spiderman, Darth Vader with a robot voice, Joe the kid in street clothes, etc.) broke my window last year. Well, I guess at the same time if you're that young any candy is good candy. That reminds me, these poor kids in street clothes trick or treating. I remember when Alex and I lived in Foster one year I think I was Count von Count from Sesame Street (hard plastic mask and all) and Alex was Joe the kid in street Clothes. We must have 9 or so. Poor Alex had a hole is his bag of candy and I said "Mom, there's candy in the street."

Community College Photography Class

I had a photography class at community college once. Someone took a picture of a stack of wood from the side and the rest of the class was stunned. A 50 year laid off mill worker couldn't believe energy he saw, a half involved 18 year old was shocked by the depth of the shot, and a 35 year old housewife said it was like clouds; she saw a dog, waves, the Milky Way, three distinct faces and a heart reaching out to her. This discussion went on for the entire class. I couldn't believe the instructor put up with this boring ass bullshit! I've decided to post my own form of this stunning art. Beware the power!!!

A Shit Sprayed Halloween

On my way from work today (Halloween) I stopped on Alberta St. to check out some bikes at CCC. A big truck pulled up outside next to my car, stuck a big tube down the manhole and starting making a huge racket. I went outside and the entire neighborhood smelled like rotten sewer. I almost vomited and puked. I ran to my car only to feel like I was getting rained on- except it wasn't raining. I realized I was getting rained upon by the spray of sewer coming from the truck pumping away at a city full of human shit. It was a fine mist of stink and disease. Realizing my situation I panicked and jumped in the car and drove to the car wash by my house, stunned by the amount of crap splattered all across my car. What the fuck! When I smelled my hand it wreaked like my bathroom in college that I didn't clean for nine months. I almost vomited in the car. I told the situation to the gas station attendant and he immediately said to his coworker "This car is covered in human shit." Notice all the splatters in the pictures!

Pick Up the Phone

Gina and I hit up The Notwist at Berbati's on the 25th. I like to film favorite songs of people I see and then never watch them again. I love seeing these guys live. Sorry about the shaky camera work. I think a had one too many PBRs. I should mention something that changed since last time I saw them a couple of years ago. Now the guy on the left somehow plays his instrument by using a paddle from a Wii.

A Good First Name: Studs

I heard on NPR that a man named Studs died today at the age of 96. Man, he sure had a good first name.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I was browsing a site about touring bikes and stumbled across this picture. I have a few friends who bike in the rain, but this guy takes it to a whole new level.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Neighbors Bike

Our neighbors, Josh and Fran, are great people who are a pleasure to have next door. I'm not sure if they feel the same way. We let our dandelions grow wild all summer and our front and back yards are typically full of some sort of junk. One day last summer Josh put a Schwinn Traveler on the sidewalk with a free sign. It's a pretty sweet ride so we grabbed it. For some reason we were a little embarrassed about taking it so we don't take it out of the shed unless they're not home. "Are Josh and Fran around?" "I don't see them.... I think it's safe." "OK, let's see if the tires hold air."

Today's Scores

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Bridge to Somewhere

<--- Ketchikan mayor Dave Kiffer. I lived in Ketchikan off and on for seven years. I love it there and rave about it to anyone who will listen. I also know that as time passes my memories gain luster; you forget the boring, you forget the cold, you forget the wet, you forget the isolation. In 2006 when the bridge to nowhere first made headlines I thought it was funny. I, like the mayor, am a huge proponent of the bridge to nowhere. My reasons are different then the reasons described in the Newsweek article. Kiffer talks about lack of growth potential and a 30 year promise. Sure, those are fine. But I'm also a believer in the epic for the sake of the epic. The bridge would be almost as long as the Golden Gate and higher than the Brooklyn Bridge. Holy shit! I am jealous of all things Golden Gate, Space Needle, St. Louis Arch, Eiffel Tower, etc. Portland lacks this distinguishing landmark. Why not Ketchikan? The waste of money? In reality, it's all wasted anyway. We might as well put hundreds of people to work in Ketchikan for years spending four hundred million dollars building what might end up being one of Alaska's biggest landmarks. Ketchikan calls itself the gateway of Alaska. Sitting on the deck of a cruise ship or a ferry as you passed underneath this behemoth would certainly feel like a gate! Ooh the symbolism!

Secret Weapon

A few days ago Matt, Portland's PBR rep who lives near North, stopped by to deliver some swag to give away on trivia night. I glanced through the goodies and to my delight I discovered something that I had considered buying at Freddies, except these were emblazoned in glorious American colors and inscripted with the Pabst logo. I rarely beat Gina at ping pong. Today while wearing my new secret weapons? I got 3 of 11 games on her. The future is bright!

"Oh Shit! It's Jesus!"

A fellow named Chad stopped by the bar to sell me credit card services. Typically when any sort of salesman calls or stops by the bar I tell them the owner is only there from 6 to 9 am. Chad caught me on a good day, and he was selling something I was curious about. Chad is a good salesman so eventually we got to talking about our childhoods and our families. He told me he lived in a tiny town near Yosemite, and the town has only about 300 people in it. I'm always curious about what people do for cash in towns of that size so I asked him what his father does for a living. "He was the pastor in that town for years," he said. "Until he got fired." He was fired? "He wrote a book, and the people who pay him were not happy. It was called Oh Shit! It's Jesus! He's kind of a hippy preacher."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Shattered Dreams

Shanty Eyes

The fall season brings me one of my favorite pleasures. Other seasons should take note and somehow contribute joy to my life as well. The pleasure I speak of? Hunting. Hunting for chanterelle mushrooms in one of David's secret mountainous spots. As I was driving home from the bar yesterday I saw a jacked up jack ass truck with the license plate 'HUNTIN'. For a moment I felt a kinship with what is undoubtedly a cold blooded warm animal killing red neck. The thrill of the hunt is what connects us. Chanterelle hunting means hitting the mini mart for seasonal beer and wandering around the brush getting muddy while telling exagerrated tales of our greatest hunting expeditions. It can also mean being a bit bummed, despite our fantastic haul, that Linnton's Lighthouse is closed on Sundays. David is the old pro at this game. He was raised by a mushroom hunting father who taught him the ways of the shanty. Such advice as "they grow in packs" and "gills to the forest floor" were wisdom imparted from father to son. What is life if it is not moments like these?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

40,000 Pounds of Gold

To the guys who were trying to steal the 3 hole sink from my backyard a couple of days ago, this load of scrap metal that almost killed me must look like the end of the rainbow.  Because of the vast media coverage this accident received, I still get asked about this car wreck.  At the time (April 24 08), I had four actual stranger recognitions.  "Yes, that was me," I would respond while puffing out my chest and looking away acting bored to tears. Nearly collapsing. Reaffirming my 'why not' philosophy.  Behaving thunderstruck but inside questioning any long term value in the experience.  This incident reinforced my belief in the 'Gross Reflexes' that made my brother so famous back home.  My recent addiction to ping pong has made me question this legend. The policeman told me this truck weighed twenty tons.  Too bad I didn't get to keep the loot!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sparky Night Golf

Matt was captain of his high school golf team.
This flaming ball shows his skill.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Donny Dundon Was Right

The M-Cube

In the year 1986 or so my neighbor and friend, and the father of my friend and classmate Rex, Donny Dundon predicted flash memory. He called it the M-Cube.

I suspect his version would have looked something like this<--. Donny loved the idea of 'no moving parts' and stressed this throughout my time of knowing him. This concept is a reason why jet engines are much more dependable piston driven car engines. Jet motors have few moving parts apparently. Moving parts will inevitably wear down. Donny told us that one day music, and all information, would be stored in a cube that had electrical connections. You could buy these cubes at record stores. In the future, computers would be able to access these cubes, with electrical current only. This was 22 years ago. This was before we had cd's. Soon all new computers will be equipped with hard drives with no moving parts. They will load faster than that arm and disc drives and will be more dependable. Fuck!

Donny had many theories and this was another that panned out. One thing Donny never mention however, was the idea of accessing all information through a decentralized place like the internet. But as you can see above, the M-Cube basically came to be. I use a camera that has an M-Cube style flash card in it, and use that card to transfer information to my computer that reads the card with electrical current.

Nice work, Donny.

The Power of Crystals

For years I battled the power of crystals. This is a battle no one can win. When I moved into my house over 3 years ago I discovered a hidden cache of crystals and other rocks buried in a secret area of the backyard. The power was too much. I succumbed to their pull and got my hands dirty. The Power of Crystals.