Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
For those of you who don't know what Pandora's Box is, it's an awesome novelty dispenser found in some men's bathrooms. I love Pandora's Box because it's completely insane how ridiculous the goodies you can get from it are. Look at the loot I scored at the Portsmouth Tavern! Not only did we see the Ducks destroy the Beavers at this fine establishment, but I walked away with Pecker Stiffener, a Pecker Stretcher and The Qualifyer. These three treasures were the last in the machine unfortunately. The first aid pecker stiffener is a mysterious white powder. I'm gonna stash it
away some where and only break it out years from now when it's
do or die time. That stuff might kill me so it might as well be worth it.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
THIS IS COPYRIGHTED/TRADEMARKED ETC. BY THE WAY DON'T YOU FUCKING STEAL IT!
CAM, looking haggard and worn out, walks to bookshelf where he picks up a compact disc. On the cover is a picture of himself holding a guitar. He sets it down and glances at a magazine cover pinned to the wall above the bookshelf. The image on the cover is of him with the headline "Did This Man Save Rock?" He takes another big drink and then sees himself in the mirror.
(in a disgusted voice)
Is this man the joke of rock?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I went to the dmv this morning to get a new license. I got one, but was a bit dissapointed that the camera couldn't capture the full extent of my beard garden. It only got like the top 1/4 of my work! The photo machine was new to them and it kept shutting down for unknown reasons. The girl at the counter was nice, but she told me she didn't know how long it would take to get the camera back on line. I asked her if there was a coffee shop nearby and she told me about Northstar near Lombard, and that she would call when the machine was working. I went to the coffee shop, which was great by the way, there were several other beardos hanging out. I told the lady working the dmv sent me. She and her coworker smiled and laughed and she said "we should send them some coffee as a thank you."
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
One night I was driving home following the twists and turns of the country road through the Nestucca River valley. Typical of the coast the rain is pounding my windshield and my headlights barely pierce the darkness. As I round a corner I see a young man standing on the roadside drenched and holding out his thumb. Feeling for him I pull over and offer a ride. As he opens the door a gust of wind blows in the rain and some fall leaves.
He tells me his name is Randy Coffman and he's going home after being gone for some years. His family only lives a couple of farms down from mine, but somehow I had never met them before. Remembering the sad marbles embedded in the headstones I ask him if he is related to the girls in the cemetery. "Yes," he says quietly, "those are my older sisters." Randy tells me how the family felt cursed, as one by one the girls perished in random accidents. A drowning took Martha, an aneurysm felled Jess, a fire Darcy. "Me and Heather knew we were next," he told me. "Heather slipped on the rocks down by Agate Beach. She hit her head." "I'm so sorry," I said.
I dropped Randy off at a farmhouse where I had never seen the lights on. It was dark and the house was in disrepair. He told me his parents were on their way home so I left him with the wind and rain. I pulled into my driveway and made my into the house, contemplating the poor Coffman family.
At the dinner table I asked Mom and Dad about the Coffmans. "That poor family," my Mom said. "Such a sad story." "I gave Randy Coffman a ride and he told me about it. Those poor girls," I said. My Dad's eyes grew big and my Mom gasped just a bit. "Did you say Randy Coffman?" my Dad asked. "Yeah," I replied. "He told me about what happened to his sisters. So sad!" "I'm sorry," my Dad said. "You must be mistaken. Randy Coffman died in a car wreck twenty years ago."
Friday, October 31, 2008
On my way from work today (Halloween) I stopped on Alberta St. to check out some bikes at CCC. A big truck pulled up outside next to my car, stuck a big tube down the manhole and starting making a huge racket. I went outside and the entire neighborhood smelled like rotten sewer. I almost vomited and puked. I ran to my car only to feel like I was getting rained on- except it wasn't raining. I realized I was getting rained upon by the spray of sewer coming from the truck pumping away at a city full of human shit. It was a fine mist of stink and disease. Realizing my situation I panicked and jumped in the car and drove to the car wash by my house, stunned by the amount of crap splattered all across my car. What the fuck! When I smelled my hand it wreaked like my bathroom in college that I didn't clean for nine months. I almost vomited in the car. I told the situation to the gas station attendant and he immediately said to his coworker "This car is covered in human shit." Notice all the splatters in the pictures!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Our neighbors, Josh and Fran, are great people who are a pleasure to have next door. I'm not sure if they feel the same way. We let our dandelions grow wild all summer and our front and back yards are typically full of some sort of junk. One day last summer Josh put a Schwinn Traveler on the sidewalk with a free sign. It's a pretty sweet ride so we grabbed it. For some reason we were a little embarrassed about taking it so we don't take it out of the shed unless they're not home. "Are Josh and Fran around?" "I don't see them.... I think it's safe." "OK, let's see if the tires hold air."
Saturday, October 25, 2008
<--- Ketchikan mayor Dave Kiffer. I lived in Ketchikan off and on for seven years. I love it there and rave about it to anyone who will listen. I also know that as time passes my memories gain luster; you forget the boring, you forget the cold, you forget the wet, you forget the isolation. In 2006 when the bridge to nowhere first made headlines I thought it was funny. I, like the mayor, am a huge proponent of the bridge to nowhere. My reasons are different then the reasons described in the Newsweek article. Kiffer talks about lack of growth potential and a 30 year promise. Sure, those are fine. But I'm also a believer in the epic for the sake of the epic. The bridge would be almost as long as the Golden Gate and higher than the Brooklyn Bridge. Holy shit! I am jealous of all things Golden Gate, Space Needle, St. Louis Arch, Eiffel Tower, etc. Portland lacks this distinguishing landmark. Why not Ketchikan? The waste of money? In reality, it's all wasted anyway. We might as well put hundreds of people to work in Ketchikan for years spending four hundred million dollars building what might end up being one of Alaska's biggest landmarks. Ketchikan calls itself the gateway of Alaska. Sitting on the deck of a cruise ship or a ferry as you passed underneath this behemoth would certainly feel like a gate! Ooh the symbolism!